Wednesday, January 11, 2012

love so strong its scaring me sleepless

confession: i've been waking up with nightmares.
mostly, they involve these three. typically the theme is: i am responsible for their protection & i fail.

a home-intruder. that's the most common.i'm distracted by one & the other is in the middle of the street-bring lights, screeching tires, shrieking onlookers...
school bus accident.
lost at a theme park. (well, this actually happened this summer. we got him back.)
helping a stranger find their dog-kidnapped.
running into the street to get our dog-crushed by a car.

then there's the dream where i get the call that my husband was in an accident.
and the dream that i get a life-threatening diagnosis.

most of these dreams have been quite vivid. they play out so detailed & real life-like. you know those dreams.
i wake up in a panic. frozen in fear. sure the garage door was left open or gate left unlocked.
i have quite an imagination, which for the most part serves me well.
this is a certain downside. wild & specific nightmares.

two of my kids are out of my care regularly for the first time this year, going to school.
so much more is out of my control and even when they are with me, my attention is spread more thinly than ever.
the letting go comes in smaller, unforeseen ways. it is much harder than i expected.
my faith is being tested in a whole new way.
do i really believe what i say i believe:
"I will not be afraid, because the Lord is with me. 
People can't do anything to me.The Lord is with me to help me...
It is better to trust the Lord than to trust people." Ps 118:6-8 (NCV)

on the first day of kindergarten, we dropped him off at school with strangers.
they are sitting next to him in class, embodying homes i've never visited, much less approved.
he's taking information from a teacher we requested because of her high recommendations but we are pretty sure she doesn't share our faith. we are sure we made the right choice, but it was new territory for us all (this picture says it all).

letting go comes in small ways like school lunch. he enthusiastically described the lunch line, where they "get their own tray and choose their own food like real grown-ups", so i loaded money onto his account & we choose a few days from the lunch menu each week. that wasn't so bad. actually, it adds novelty to the packed lunch.

letting go was much harder when he begged us to take the bus. "that's where you make friends, mom. you make them on the bus and then you have them you sit and eat lunch." our house is the first stop after leaving the school, so we signed up for him to ride the bus home each day.
that week i must have heard three reports on bus accidents & one kidnapping of a child walking home from school.  just recently he told us his bus driver plays "music. that grown up word that's not for kids. can i say it? sexy. sexy music."
um. yeah. i could have retracted the whole bus riding thing & frankly the public school thing right then & there. not joking. i was online revisiting private Christian schools that evening. 

on that note: the public school vs private, Christian school adds certain depth to this fear that has me up at night. we chose public for good reasons. not forever, for certain but for now, it was our choice for him. we have personal experience with both; positive & negative. (a WHOLE other post or posts!)

bottom line:
i have something really good here. really, really good.
this little family of mine, this little life we live: it's a good one.
and if anything threatened to take it from me...
well, like my husband put it: i may just have it so good right now, it's too good for me to have peace that it can stay this way. 
it's testing my faith, compelling me to prayer, & committing me to mediate on scripture.
and robbing me of my beloved sleep!

are you with me? been there? would love your advice! 

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1 comment:

  1. Hadn't thought about it in a few years, but I had a period of similar nightmares. Takes my breath away even now to remember waking up feeling that way. I will pray for you!

    My oldest is in FOURTH grade and the "your friend said what?!?" or "his parents told him WHAT?!?!" moments are coming with greater frequency now, but I can honestly say God has proven all along the way that His word is true. "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man" is true for our kids as well as us! God has been faithful to show Ryan "the way out" in those situations and I've been blown away at how he's lived out his faith! I can thank God for those opportunities instead of being fearful. It's a good road. A good, good road to see your children put their God and their faith to the test and see Him faithful every. single. time.

    Great post!!!!!

    Long comment. Sorry. :)


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