Thursday, October 29, 2009

She's this beautiful for a reason


(Click to enlarge)
This post is really more for me than for you.You may benefit too, especially if your 1 year old is beautiful for a reason-and I'm not talking about her future in print.
This one is not for you, who have struggled to get or stay pregnant or you who have lost a baby. I can only imagine your heartbreak & the judgement you'd feel toward me for this post. Understandably so. I lost a baby & remember how life became instantly more valuable & instantly out of my control at that time.
This post is for me. Birth-control of sorts. It's a reminder that yes, she is beautiful; perfectly pink & her rubber-band arms & legs are delicious.
But she, like Carter until her age, is miserable being a baby. She cries most of the day. Sometimes screams unprovoked by anything we can see.
Trust me, I've looked for the pin that MUST be poking her.
She is a great eater & sleeper. It's the in between that she doesn't enjoy. I wish it were that she were hungry or sleepy or sick or wet or even bored, so that I could fix it.
But she is simply...well, no that's not right. If she were "simply" anything that would mean I had discovered her issue & am on my way to Googling it's remedies.

"Lord, I thank you for Lilah. She is healthy & we are blessed to have her!
Still, I pray that you remind me of these tough baby days around this time next year should Dan & I start thinking about having more,
(since 2 Christmases ago we certainly had forgotten how
really rough our baby days with Carter had been.)
And if there's some sort of patience or whatever you are trying to beat out of me through this experience, please help me to see it & learn it soon.

And really, thank you for Lilah. She is beautiful. And when she smiles or giggles, my heart swells.
You did that on purpose, huh? (You're funny, God) Well, it helps. It erases the picture I have of her eyes pouring out tears, mouth-wide opened
& screaming what I hear as "you STINK at this mom thing"!"
Amen.

Don't believe me?
I thought you may not so I brought the camera in when she woke up from her nap.

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9 comments:

  1. this post made me want to run out and fedex a venti double shot latte your way (but since that probably won't work, i'll put my energy into prayer!) i do have to say that those cheeks and lips make me want to squeeze that little face!

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  2. beautifully said tina! i understand! right now i am going through this '2' attitude and it is about to KILL me...yet once in a while the baby 'bug' comes crawling back...but i shoo him away ... until after may (graduation) anyhow!
    parenthood is wonderful, despite its challenges!

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  3. Oh, Tina...maybe God made her so beautiful to show you that you guys make gorgeous babies? More! More! More!
    Only kidding...
    Is it weird for me to say that she looks a lot like you in the crib pictures?

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  4. Tina you are SO good with words. My kids are just the opposite! They HATE to sleep!! This in turn drives me crazy as I am SO tired ALL the time. They are happy when they aren't sleeping........Even when they are tired, they are still happy. Isn't it ironic that we want what we CAN'T have? Always?

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  5. Heather:
    Dan came home last night & said, "I read your blog, sorry about today."
    Me: What did you think about the pics on the bottom of her crying?
    Dan: Really ugly.

    So, YES it is bad for you to say that she looks like me there!! Not up top, where she's gorgeous, huh?!

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  6. Girl, I absolutely understand. I'm thinking I'm done after this one. I feel like there are days where I have nothing left in me except for more discipline. Most days I could just eat him up, and the few in between are about to do me in. Today is one of them! I don't think Joel gets it either. Your husband said "i'm sorry about today" that was sweet!
    I hear ya, and the baby days are soon over. Well compared to our life with them, so lets get through it together!
    Love you,
    T

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  7. I think I just have had enough years of you screaming and shouting (and belly-sliding through the grocery store) to see a little bit of you in those pictures. Of course she looks like you in the pretty ones, but I definitely recognize a little Tina in the other ones! :)

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  8. TINA,I love the way you write it makes me want to read anything you write.THANK GOD she is beautifull ,BUT I promise you this hard time will pass way too fast !!!kiss themm for nana

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  9. I LOVE YOU ALL CAN NOT WAIT FOR YOU TO COME HOME!!!!

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