Wednesday, August 26, 2009

He delights in every detail

Sometimes the heavens seem like brass, and sometimes God feels very near.
For me, this is one of those latter times.

I'm a creative girl. When I was 11 or so I formed a baby-sitting service with fellow tweens complete with Red Cross certification. With every job since, if it wasn't a creative outlet, I found opportunity elsewhere.

At this point in my life, my 2 kiddos under 3 are top priority.
I have the luxury of staying at home with my kids and living a largely blessed life.

Still, and with much hesitation, I admit I find myself torn between this incredible gratefulness and restlessness as I sometimes feel this stay-at-home mom life is suffocating my creative & ambitious soul. (sounds dramatic I know, but this is me)
I met with someone recently that put it perfectly: wanting to feel useful.

I fear that I am "neglecting the gift that is in me" as Paul warns Timothy.
Fear that all of the passion God has placed in me for His work will die as I am dedicated now to diapers, dishes, laundry, etc.

This confession feels dangerous. Even as I write this I'm thinking of my mom: single-parenting, working full-time, putting herself through college. I couldn't be more acutely aware of the blessed life I live. I'm thinking of the girl that was like a little sister to me, who just mourned the 1 year birthday that would have been had her son lived to celebrate it.

How can I admit this struggle OUTLOUD??!

My prayer for a few years now has been:
"God, please let my gratefulness defeat this dissatisfaction. Give me grace to trust You.
Help me to enjoy these years while I'm 100% dedicated to my young kids, since they are irreplaceable.
Why do you continue to give me this creativity and ambition when it has little place to go?!"

And I'll tell you, God has put particular outlets in my life just when I need them.
These opportunities do not infringe on my responsibilities at home & they "scratch the itch".

It's like He gives me just enough to combat any feelings of "uselessness" or fear.
"For everything there is a season" Eccl 3:1

Recently the "itch" seemed to intensify.
My prayer was:
"I really want something I can do that makes some extra cash,
doesn't threaten my availability at home,
and makes me feel useful
for something other than mom or wife"

I'm telling you, it was as if the prayer had just left my lips and I got the call!

What seems to be a God-ordained opportunity. Nothing big, but just enough. Just perfect, from what I can tell.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives."
Psalm 37:23 (NLT)
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