Monday, September 29, 2008

in walked guilt

almost immediately after lilah came into the world, in walked guilt.

there i was in my hospital bed, fresh out of the recovery room, when our moms came into my room with carter. precious 2 1/2 year old boy who's been talking about "baby sister wylah" for weeks. most likely figuring she existed in the form of his old room covered in pink & items "for girls" & all things "for babies, not big boys" in our house. he walked in with balloons & a birthday cake marked with "princess lilah" (which my mom informed me he requested it read: princess fiona, now believing it did).

no baby in my arms, i welcomed my first baby up into my bed, at this point, barely able to stretch my arms out to meet him let alone move over to make room for him. he climbed up onto me & trying to get closer, he jammed his knee into my incision & used it as leverage. HOLY *&^%#(!@^&!!! (symbols b/c there was no word adequate to release my pain & shock & OHMYGOSHTHATKILLEDME!)

in walked guilt. i saw his face, responding to my pain & i felt it...guilt.

how will i do this? how will i make sure he knows my pain is temporary? that the hours i'll spend feeding lilah & changing lilah & rocking lilah will progressively diminish. how will we assure him that we're still a family even though dan & i are sleeping at the hospital with lilah & he's going home with grammie, whom up until tues, he hadn't seen since june?

i felt guilty in the middle of the night for cherishing the hours nursing lilah, alone in the dark. i felt guilty for being alert & on the road to recovery enough that i could feed her & hold her through the day. (most of you know it was very different with baby carter. very different.)

i feel guilty now, even waiting until carter is napping or out of the house to hold her cuddly body close & rub her soft cheek against mine. i love her. i love her just like i love carter, but without loving carter any less. my heart has swelled somehow. it's true. you can love two.

i could barely imagine loving anyone like i love dan while i was expecting carter's arrival, now loving two babies...what does that quote say, "to have children is to have your heart walking around in the world." something like that. there goes my heart...both of them.

carter is gratefully, not responding to this guilt living inside of me. he is showing love & acceptance of his baby sister "wylah sophia" more everyday. my hope is that i'll tame this guilt or it will go away like some of the other emotions on this post-partum roller coaster. Pin It

Friday, September 26, 2008

I love this man!

It doesn't get any sexier than the man you love holding the baby you've made together. The moments in the hospital with just the two of us & then with our new baby girl took me right back to the way my heart swelled when Carter arrived & I watched Dan loving him & caring for a very sick version of me. I desperately want this euphoria to stay.

Last night I woke to feed Lilah & found what I thought was a need for a diaper at night, but once the light was on & my eyes adjusted I saw that it was blood...almost everywhere. This is when I'm grateful for the hours of study my "Linus Larabee" has put into the human body. He woke up, washed his hands, cleaned & examined my wound. Took care of the baby's needs & made me stay put with pressure on the bleeding site. He did the same when I woke up 3 hours later to the same ickiness.

I just love this man! He took care of getting me into the OB, without an ounce of hesitation; in spite of the work that is waiting for him in the office. I feel secure when he is there, acting as my advocate. I feel unequivocally "chosen" when he looks at me.
I love him! I love him! I love him!
Can hardly wait for next week when he's home with us.
Here's to hoping real life doesn't consume this fantasy soon...
(PS: For the mom has been a dream too. Taking care of everything & anything that comes up all day long. Most of the time before I can even notice the need. I just can't imagine this time without her either. And Carter certainly wouldn't be as well adjusted to the change without her attention & entertainment. Had to give her a shout out too!)
(Also for the record, the OB says all is fine. Wound perfectly closed & healing. Blood unexplained, perhaps just the wondrous body eliminating something potentially harmful. Phew!)

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

1 week

So far so much better than I had even hoped for. Granted this is the honeymoon phase of the adventures of bringing home baby, but what a blissful week so far. I've even enjoyed the nighttime feedings. She eats, sleeps, fills her diaper, and starts again. Its the sleeping thing that has surprised me...she just sleeps all day long & even most of the night. I actually asked the MD yesterday at her 1 week check-up if the Hydrocodone was transferring through my milk to her, causing excessive sleep. He assured me it is perfectly normal & encouraged us to just enjoy it while it lasts.
And we are. With her sleeping so much, Carter gets little blips of only childhood throughout the day & has seemed to accept her into our family.

I'm recovering so well. Polar opposite from the week after Carter's birth. Praise God! The blessings seem to pour in day by day, sometimes hourly. We're surrounded. God is so good. His presence so close. What a miracle birth is!
PS: For those of you that had to gasp at the online photo album's cover, I apologize. And assure you that while I intended for it to be in the album, I certainly didn't select it as the album's cover-which it ended up being. Thankfully, most of you are just as interested in the photo as Dan & I are, but for those of you that were really grossed out, I'm so sorry. (well, sort of!) Pin It

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Lilah Sophia
8lbs 1oz, 20 1/2 in
September 17,2008 1:42pm

And since there was no press bidding over the first photos of this baby
here is your first of charge

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Just two more days & we'll have a little girl!
My Lord! Can we really handle two?
Can we really make it through the sleep deprivation & spit up streaked shoulders?
No turning back now!!!
Here she comes.... Pin It

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I had 2 showers this past couple of weeks. SUPER blessed first, by those that took the time out of their coveted Saturdays to celebrate our new addition-to-be & secondly, the gifts they came bearing in girlie, frame-worthy gift bags!

Obviously, I realize the point of these gatherings are to "shower" the new mom with things she'll need for the new baby. I knew when I was setting up my registry that potentially people could head into Target & walk out with one of the items with me in mind. I remember this feeling with Carter too, its overwhelming to imagine that without these generous friends & family contributing, Dan & I would have had to buy all of this stuff!

Pregnancy feels mainly, gasp, isolating to me, if I'm honest with you. So times like these when everyone is involved in the one thing I've been consumed by inside for months are a welcome experience. Especially since I really don't enjoy the "you should sit down", "you shouldn't be doing this or that" attention that comes with a growing abdomen & swelling nose. The pedicure, while provided for by a friend, wasn't actually given by a friend...that kind of pampering...bring it on!

As an added blessing, I got online to view my local Target's weekly ad & to my joy most of everything left on my registry is on sale this week, AND most of it has free shipping! Really?! The week before the baby comes, after my showers, when we're left to purchase remaining needs it's all on sale!! The temptation is to buy it all. Frankly, that's been my temptation since I started the registry! And my temptation every couple of days while Carter is in "school" and I'm free to roam any retail store in town.

I'm blessed. I really am blessed. I love the feeling that comes when you know that God has gone before you & surrounds you on your path. His presence is comforting & exhilarating like nothing else! Thank you friends & family for your generosity & support! Pin It

Sunday, September 7, 2008

10 day ticker begins

When my Dr told me that she may have to deliver the baby this week b/c my platelets had dropped below normal, I panicked.

Come on, I must not present myself accurately to her. I'm a DETAILGAL!

And those details include: I'm having a scheduled c-section on the 17th @39weeks, my mother-in-law will arrive a few days prior & mom the night before. Carter will be well cared for & entertained. I'll have a pre-ordered birthday cake for the baby & Carter can pick it up & choose some balloons to bring up to the hospital for our "Happy Birthday Baby Sister Party" (that believe it or not he's been planning for, Spiderman cake, Shrek & Yoda balloons & fire to blow out.)

Besides, I had a shower I was greatly looking forward to this morning that I just couldn't miss (those details to come...lovely blessing). I needed to make it through at least today.

This coming week is booked with to-do lists. I had yet to make the 5 freezer-friendly meals, the groceries will be bought in time for me to make them on Tuesday while Carter is at school. There were no diapers in the drawer, I had yet to set up the changing table & put wipes in the warmer!

I have nothing packed to go to the hospital. I'm undecided on whether or not to bring my new pjs or wear the old ones since they'll likely get something funky on them laying in that hospital bed. I have to get a bikini wax & should shave elsewhere before I enter the days of "lucky to get a shower a week".

I willed my platelet count to rise before & during my second blood draw. For the sake of the details left undone! No really, I didn't feel that it was the time. And honestly, though these well layed plans would be left undone, I kept thinking I could & would do it. I would take what came by way of my Drs call Wed afternoon with grace. But I didn't prepare anything to that end, in faith, believing that I could write this blog entry inviting you to count down the last 10 days with me!

I got an email recently proclaiming "Your baby is full term!" I'm going to miss those weekly emails from that I've already read b/c I can't wait until the actual day it arrives in my inbox to know what is happening that week or what will happen in the week to come, so I sneak ahead on their website for the scoop. I have a secret to reveal, while this is my 2nd time around at pregnancy & I'm not so much interested in "what to expect when you're expecting" or "how to care for your baby's umbilical cord stump", I've read every pregnancy, fit pregnancy, babytalk, parents, mom & baby magazine issue that I could get my greedy hands on in waiting rooms since Jan. I know you're not supposed to have time or interest in that after your first go at pregnancy, but not me. I can't get enough! There its out... Pin It

Friday, September 5, 2008

Yoda toy

Carter has been asking for a Yoda toy ever since we drove through McDonalds & he saw the advertisement for the latest Happy Meal toys. I've been through their drive thru twice since then & have asked each time if they have a Yoda toy, but no such luck.

Finally, Sunday afternoon Dan decided we'd take him to Toys R Us & let him get a Yoda toy. We walked out with a Cars scooter & 2 Light sabers. He didn't even recognize their figurines of Yoda as the coveted "Yoda toy".

What he walked around carrying was this large gift bag with an image like this one plastered across the front. A gift bag! What on earth is he going to do with a gift bag?! For just a dollar or so more, we could buy him a Light saber! He had a blast with Daddy that afternoon playing "Yoda" with their new Light sabers.

Still, he wants a "Yoda toy".

We were watching TV when a car commercial came on. "Toy ota" was exclaimed & Carter lit up & cheered,
"Mommy. Toy yoda!!!"

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