Thursday, October 23, 2008

I've been looking this book up on Amazon.com, B&N.com, and Lifeway.com for a week now. I'm in serious need of a sit down with a mom that can say, "I've been there; we made it through". Long and painfully similar days capped off with sleepless nights have left me clinging to the coffee pot, praying that God will get me to the right place in the Word to restore me at that moment, willing myself not to crumble when Dan gets home from work-passing off the baby & hiding in bed. (Okay so it hasn't been that dramatic every day, but if I'm wanting to be transparent with you, which of course I do, it's been like that most days lately.)

Missing out on girls coffee nights, not engaged in a weekly Bible Study at church, and on a "maternity leave" from worship ministry, I'm pretty much feeling the withdrawl from the social outlets I've enjoyed until now.

All to say, I dropped Carter off at the church for PDO on Monday & headed over to the local Lifeway Store. No coupon or sale to give me permission to buy, just believing that God would use it when I did get the chance to crack it open. The salesperson greeted me & offered to find it on the shelf for me, only to report they had no more in stock.

WHAT! 'you don't understand Sir, when this grande, nonfat, no whip, pumpkin spice latte is all gone, I'm going to be left with NOTHING to sustain me. I NEED this book today. I NEED something from its pages to give me a push.'

Turns out, while I was skimming the shelves for something else to pop out at me, there it was! And I've so enjoyed it. Again, it's read here & there when time permits, and its nothing other than reflections on motherhood by one of my favorite ladies right now, Beth Moore. But it makes me feel like I'm not alone, much like sitting around a wooden table with my friends on Thursday nights does.
(
ps: tonight will mark my return to that table! not a moment too soon!)

This is among the first parts that stood out to me:
"God used my first child to slice away the thick layers I had built around my heart for years. I had responded to childhood injuries by raising a fortress around my heart brick by brick so life wouldn't hurt so badly. If only I had realized that the impenetrable walls only kept pain in. I was an emotional shut-in. And I thought I was doing myself a favor.
My firstborn changed all that. Suddenly I had no defense. The walls came tumbling down, and my heart lay utterly exposed to human elements....I'm not sure I can articulate what I felt. Sometimes emotions simply defy explanation, but I felt that something outside of me finally had the ability to kill me-shatter me...she made it all the way in.
My first experiences with unprotected love were excruciating.
Love literally hurt. I would hold her in my arms and rock her for several hours at a time, and the tears would pour down my cheeks."

So far, the first chapters have been just the distraction from my exhaustion that I needed.

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