Monday, September 29, 2008

in walked guilt

almost immediately after lilah came into the world, in walked guilt.

there i was in my hospital bed, fresh out of the recovery room, when our moms came into my room with carter. precious 2 1/2 year old boy who's been talking about "baby sister wylah" for weeks. most likely figuring she existed in the form of his old room covered in pink & items "for girls" & all things "for babies, not big boys" in our house. he walked in with balloons & a birthday cake marked with "princess lilah" (which my mom informed me he requested it read: princess fiona, now believing it did).

no baby in my arms, i welcomed my first baby up into my bed, at this point, barely able to stretch my arms out to meet him let alone move over to make room for him. he climbed up onto me & trying to get closer, he jammed his knee into my incision & used it as leverage. HOLY *&^%#(!@^&!!! (symbols b/c there was no word adequate to release my pain & shock & OHMYGOSHTHATKILLEDME!)

in walked guilt. i saw his face, responding to my pain & i felt it...guilt.

how will i do this? how will i make sure he knows my pain is temporary? that the hours i'll spend feeding lilah & changing lilah & rocking lilah will progressively diminish. how will we assure him that we're still a family even though dan & i are sleeping at the hospital with lilah & he's going home with grammie, whom up until tues, he hadn't seen since june?

i felt guilty in the middle of the night for cherishing the hours nursing lilah, alone in the dark. i felt guilty for being alert & on the road to recovery enough that i could feed her & hold her through the day. (most of you know it was very different with baby carter. very different.)

i feel guilty now, even waiting until carter is napping or out of the house to hold her cuddly body close & rub her soft cheek against mine. i love her. i love her just like i love carter, but without loving carter any less. my heart has swelled somehow. it's true. you can love two.

i could barely imagine loving anyone like i love dan while i was expecting carter's arrival, now loving two babies...what does that quote say, "to have children is to have your heart walking around in the world." something like that. there goes my heart...both of them.

carter is gratefully, not responding to this guilt living inside of me. he is showing love & acceptance of his baby sister "wylah sophia" more everyday. my hope is that i'll tame this guilt or it will go away like some of the other emotions on this post-partum roller coaster. Pin It

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